Dear Paislee

You are the daughter I always wanted. I know parenting a girl can come with its challenges but I will always do my best.

I will always try to be patient with you as you learn and discover new things. I will try to slow down and let you do things on your own.

I will always be your biggest supporter.

I will always encourage you to follow your dreams.

 I will never judge you. At times I'm sure I will be disappointed in your decisoins but I will never make you feel unloved.

I hope that you always feel comfortable talking to me about anything and everything. I want to be your biggest confidant. I want you to know that I will always be there for you. I will always be there to help you make tough decisions.

I will try to let you chose your own path and make your own decisions, even if it isn't something I would have chosen for myself. I will let you make you're own mistakes and learn from them.

I will cry with you when you get your heart broken for the first time. I will teach you to never settle for anything less then you deserve. I will teach you to always value and respect yourself.

Never value your worth on the amount of friends you have or the number of boys that like you.

I want you to understand that you wont always feel happy and thats ok, everyone has off days.

Always try your best and always finish what you start. Do things that you are proud of. Never give up on anything.

Be kind to everyone.

You will always be your own worst critic and biggest judge but try not to take yourself too seriously.

I will never expect you to make the mistakes I made. I will understand that you are a different person then the person I am or was.

Smile and Laugh as much as possible.

Follow your heart.

You are capable of amazing things.

-You Mom

The last few days I have read a lot of birth stories, just something I like to do while pregnant. Its fun to hear about other peoples birth experiences.

This may not be super detailed because it was over 2 years ago, but it covers all the important things.

On July 11th we went into the hospital around 1pm to be induced, I was 36 weeks and 5 days. My doctor had decided to induce me at this point because it was around the same time that Asher had died and just to be safe he wanted to deliver her.

When we arrived they checked to see if I was dilated at all and I was at a 1. After about an hour or 2 of monitoring they put in the cervidil to start getting my cervix ready. This was not a fun process.

After having the cervidil pill in place for about an hour they checked and made sure it was doing its job then started me on pitocin. At first it was a very low dose so the contractions weren't too bad. A few hours passed and I really started feeling it and was at a 3. They asked if I was ready for pain medication and I told them I did not want an epidural so they talked about different options. I decided to try a pain pill so that I could try to sleep a little. That was a big mistake. Even though it did help me a little it affected Paislee, even though they told me it wouldn't. Her heart rate dropped a little which worried me but they just told me she was sleepy.

They checked me again about 2 hours later and I was only at a 4. I had made progress but I wasn't as far as I would have hoped. I knew I had to be patient with my body since it was being forced to go into labor.

I dont remember much of the next few hours because the pain got pretty strong since they turned up my pitocin all the way.

At 5am I was checked and I was at a 7 and %100 effaced.  I was so excited because I thought that I only had an hour or so left. Paislee's heart rate was still a little low so I had to wear oxygen for awhile and that seemed to help.

Around 8am the pain was becoming to much for me to handle. I hadn't slept at all and I was exhausted, but I was determined to do it without an epidural. So I fought through the next few hours.

At 10am I was checked again and still at 7. I started crying at this point. All the pain and exhaustion was just too overwhelming for me, if I had made any progress at all I think I could have handled it a little longer. When I heard there was no progress at all I knew it was because I just couldn't relax enough for my body to do what it needed to to dilate the last 3 cm.

I asked Nate if he would be disappointed in me if I gave in and got the epidural and he said that he wouldn't be disappointed at all and he would support anything I decided to do. I called in the nurse and told her I was ready for an epidural.

At 10:30am I got the epidural and at 11:10 I started feeling the urge to push. I told the nurse and she said she would get the doctor. I told her to please hurry because I NEEDED to push and couldn't hold off much longer.

At 11:21am on July 12th after about 1/2 a push Paislee Harper Gossard was born! Weighing 5 pounds 13 ounces and 17 1/2 inches long.

I was overwhelmed with emotion, after delivering a stillborn just the year before I had half expected not to hear a cry. When I heard her first cry I started tearing up. It was the happiest moment of my life.

They gave her to me and Nate cut the cord.

24 hours later we got to take her home!

Having a newborn is definitely something that takes getting used to. You all the sudden have this perfect little being completely dependent on you for everything. It is the most wonderful feeling in the world. Everyone always tells you the love of a mother is overwhelming but you never truly understand until you hold your baby and look into their eyes for the first time. It is the most pure unconditional love you will ever experience! And seeing your husband with your baby is probably the best site in the world. Seeing Nate as a father has just made me love him even more.

Now Paislee is 2 and the last 2 years have been the best and most challenging of my life. Having a child has made me feel such purpose. Looking at her I know what I was put on this earth to do, it was to be her mother. She fills my life with so much joy and happiness.

I love you Paislee!

                                                  

I may get judged for this post but I don't really care. For some reason women shy away from talking about the embarrassing parts of pregnancy, but I embrace it. It may not be funny while happening at the time but when you look back you realize how truly hilarious those moments are.

Pregnancy is filled with "the glow", the promise of a new life, baby kicks, and the miracle of growing a human being in your belly.

It is also filled with gas, an uncontrollable bladder, crazy cravings, hemorrhoids, sweating more then normal, heartburn, waddling, hairy legs, untamed lady parts, unpainted toe nails and stretch marks.

When you get to a certain point in your pregnancy, certain things become very very hard. This can lead to some embarrassment. Like sneezing in public.

I think one of the biggest pregnancy embarrassments is an uncontrollable bladder. This isn't as big of a deal the first pregnancy but as you enter pregnancy 2, 3 or 4 you start to admire the women who still have control of their bladder. What a weird thing to be jealous of haha

This is my 4th pregnancy and now unless I cross my legs while sneezing I pee myself. Not just a little. Like ALOT. I am not sure why I haven't started carrying around an extra pair of underwear in my purse or maybe wearing a pad. Maybe I'm in denial that I have the bladder of a 60 year old.

The other day we were out at the mall shopping and I sneezed, but since I was walking I didn't cross my legs. Lets just say I was thankful to be wearing a dress because I'm pretty sure if I had been wearing jeans there would have been a wet mark that would be pretty hard to hide. At the time I almost cried because it was so awful, but luckily no one else knew. I usually don't even tell my husband when these things happen, cause lets be honest peeing your pants isn't the sexiest thing, unless you're into that;) haha

One of my most embarrassing moments happened when I was pregnant with Paislee. I was really craving Arbys, especially their cheddar cheese. So we got in the car and drove down the road to Arbys. I ordered a medium roast beef with a side of cheddar. As we were almost home  I looked into the bag and saw that they had forgot my cheese, and I LOST it!! I started bawling my eyes out. I cried uncontrollably for a couple minutes and yelled about how they had forgot my cheese. My husband just starred at me and laughed and asked if I was really crying over cheese. Of course at the time the whole situation seemed to be very serious to me. I mean, they forgot my cheese!! I continued throwing a fit and demanded that he turn around and get me my cheese. He didn't and this just made me more upset. We got home and I ate my medium roast beef without the cheese. I was upset about it the rest of the day.

I didn't realize how silly this whole thing was till a few days later.
My husband still holds this against me and every time we go through a drive through while I'm pregnant and they forget something in my order he looks at me and smiles. I think he is secretly hoping I freak out again just so he can have another thing to make fun of me for.

Because of the stomach problems I have suffered for years I never have gas. Unless Im pregnant, and then my body feels the need to catch up for all those years I never had to deal with it. For some reason this only happens out in public or during sex.

The one situation this becomes an issue is during sex (TMI?) Sex during pregnancy is sometimes just pure embarrassing during the last trimester. You have a stomach the size of a water melon, heart burn and have stretch marks covering your body. Its pretty hard to feel sexy. Especially when you fart during sex, am I right?! That is all I will say on that subject.

I have learned to laugh at all these embarrassing moments because in the scheme of things 9 months of this isn't very long. Plus its always fun to make fun of yourself.

Do you have any embarrassing pregnancy stories? Please share in the comments...if you dare!



Pictures by the very talented Whitney Moyer

This is a topic I always wanted to write about, because I really don't hear it talked about a lot. It's why up until a few years ago I didn't even know about the term "stillborn", I had no idea something like that even existed. I knew about miscarriages of course and even late miscarriages but I thought that it didn't happen past 18 weeks.

I don't hesitate to talk about it when it comes up because I want people to know about Asher, I want people to know he existed. I don't want anyone to forget that he is our first son and he is the one that made my husband a father and me a mother, even though I didn't get to care for him outside of the womb.

Asher's Story started in November of 2010, when he was conceived. We had just moved to Las Vegas, NV from Ellensburg,WA and at the time was living with Family until we could find afford our own place!
We weren't planning on trying to have a baby for awhile but sometimes God has other plans. We found out that we were pregnant in December of 2010. I just had a feeling I was pregnant so I took a few tests and there it was! 3 positives! I was definitely pregnant!

Even though it wasn't planned we were so excited, and a little nervous to become parents. I have always loved babies so much and thats pretty much all I had thought about since getting married. I immediately started thinking of names and looking online at different baby products and every time we went to the store I would look through the baby section.

We had our first appointment at a doctors office to confirm pregnancy, find out the due date and get testing done and we were told my due date would be the beginning of September, which I thought was pretty cool since my husbands birthday is in September! We had a pretty bad experience at the doctors office and we just weren't satisfied with the care we received so we decided to call a midwife and see her!

Deciding to see a midwife was probably the best decision we could have made. I loved the care I received and unlike a doctor, she actually cared about me and took time to answer all of my questions. Each appointment usually lasted over an hour because we would sit there talking about everything I had questions about.

We found out the sex a few months later at 18 weeks,  it was a boy!!! We were pretty excited and decided on the Name Asher Rylan. Finding out the sex and naming him made it all seem so much more real, especially since I wasn't really showing yet.



My pregnancy had been pretty tough with Asher, I had extreme morning sickness with him and could barely stand without feeling like I would throw up, once the 12 week mark hit I was so excited because I thought that the morning sickness would go away, but I wasn't that lucky. I had horrible morning sickness until about week 28!! Then that is when the heart burn started, I know it is normal to get heartburn while pregnant but this was killer heart burn. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night because it was so bad. I also had horrible insomnia while pregnant and sometimes wouldn't be able to fall asleep until 6am, which wasn't fun when I was still working. All these symptoms made me believe that I was having a healthy pregnancy, because everyone told me having such strong symptoms is just proof of a healthy growing baby.

On August 19th, when I was about 36 weeks, late at night I had noticed I hadn't felt the baby move for a few hours, so I texted my midwife and asked about ways I could make him more active. She suggested I drink some cold juice really fast or even try doing a jumping jack. I drank about 2 cups of cold juice really fast and waited about 20 minutes, still no movement. I did a jumping jack, still nothing. I still wasn't freaked out to much, because what could really be wrong?! He was obviously just really sleepy today. At that point I had only heard the term "stillbirth" once. So it really never made me worry because it didn't seem like a very common thing. My midwife said that if I was worried I could come over to her house and she could take a quick listen to ease my mind. I told her that since Nate wouldn't be home till late then we wouldn't be able to come over till tomorrow morning.

The next morning we headed over to her house to check on the baby to make sure everything was ok. At this point I still hadn't felt him move. I kept thinking everything was ok, but deep down I had a strange feeling that I couldn't quite describe. When we got to her house I remember saying to her "I am gonna feel silly driving all this way just to find out everything is fine" and she said "don't feel silly, its perfectly normal to be concerned when you haven't felt movement" and I said "ya, but I bet he will start kicking like crazy once you put the doppler on my belly." She put that gel stuff on my tummy and got out her doppler and started searching for a heart beat. I heard the placenta at first and thought that was his heart beat but she said it wasn't, then she continued to search. After a few minutes I said "wow he must really be hiding" and I will never forget the look on her face. She didn't say anything at first and then said "At this stage in pregnancy I should be able to find his heart beat right away". At that point I knew. And even though we all knew she wasn't going to find a heart beat, she continued to move the doppler over my belly searching anyway. I started crying and Nate grabbed my hand.

She said that since the placenta sounded like it was still doing its job he probably had died the day before. I asked if maybe we had come earlier if there was something we could have done, she told me that she thinks he was already gone by the time I had texted her yesterday. There was nothing anyone could have done, these things just happen sometimes. We discussed options, I could go home and wait for my body to go into labor and just deliver him at home or I could go to the hospital and they could induce my labor. We chose to go to he hospital, because I really didn't want to wait around for 2 weeks until my body went into labor.

We got to the hospital about 30 minutes later and had 3 different doctors confirm with an ultrasound that his heart was no longer beating. Listening on a doppler to silence was bad enough, but seeing him lifeless on an ultrasound was torture. He had always been so active during our ultrasounds before.

They started the induction process and they gave me an epidural almost immediately. I had always planned on an all natural home birth but at that point I just didn't want to feel the pain of labor on top of the emotional pain I was in. My midwife showed up a few hours into my induction and it was so nice to have her there. She was so supportive the whole time.

On August 21st  2011 11:50am I delivered our first son Asher Rylan Gossard. As I pushed I half expected to hear crying as he came out but there was no crying. Just silence, he was stillborn, weighing 5 pounds 9 ounces and 18 inches long. We got to spend a few hours with him, holding him and taking pictures with him. Even though I knew it wasn't possible I swore that if I just held him and kissed him that he would wake up and everything would be ok. But nothing was ok, and at that time I felt like nothing would ever be ok again. I had lost something I wanted so badly. I was ready to be a mom and I had spent months planning for him, decorating his room and wondering what he would be like. All my hopes for what my life was going to be like as a mother were shattered. I wanted to hold him forever but I knew I couldn't. After a while they came and took him away.

Then we had to made some important decisions, would we cremate him? would we have a funeral? Autopsy?

We chose not to have an Autopsy, which I know seems strange to some people but at the time all I could think about is them cutting my baby open. Weeks later I regretted not getting one but it was a little to late to change our minds. Because we had opted out of having an Autopsy we will never know what actually went wrong. He seemed perfectly healthy. We were told several times that these things just happen sometimes with no explanation.

We were given a beautiful memory box with some pictures and footprints and some other memorabilia. The staff at the hospital were all so great through the whole process.



We went home and it was devastating walking in and seeing his nursery and realizing we didn't get to bring home a baby to put in it.

Its crazy how when you expect your life to be one way and plan on this new life with your new baby everything just doesn't seem right when that all is taken away. I all the sudden had no idea what to do.

I had been ready to be a mother, I had been ready to care for baby, I had been ready to see my husband as a father. I was ready for this new chapter in our lives.

The littlest things would set me off and make me cry. Seeing a pregnant mom, a newborn baby or any baby clothes. I never wanted to leave the house, I felt like it was mean that the world continued around me when I felt like mine had ended. It was like a stab in the heart when 3 days after we had got home his bedding was delivered to our doorstep. Sometimes in the middle of the night I would wake up because I thought I would hear a baby cry, but of course there wasn't one. When I got my milk in it was a horrible reminder that I didn't have a baby to nurse.

It took a long time to start feeling a little better, Im not sure exactly when it happened. It wasn't like one day I just woke up and felt better. It was a slow process.

If you have lost a baby I want to tell you right now that that pain will never go away, it will always be there. It does, though, get a little easier. You will start to notice that you have went a whole day without crying and it will feel good. I wanted to hold onto the pain as long as possibly because I felt like if I started feeling better it meant I didn't care anymore, but that isn't true. I knew that Asher wouldn't want me to be sad forever.

Sometimes bad things happen, and things happen for a reason. I held on to the fact that I knew God had a plan for me and this all had happened for a reason. Even though I still don't understand why it had to happen to us.

A few months later we found out we were pregnant again, and on July 12th 2012 we welcomed our Rainbow baby(a baby after loss), Paislee Harper Gossard!

And we are currently expecting another baby in December!

I have been done nursing for about 2 months now and the weaning process was so bittersweet. On one hand it was such a special time for Paislee and I and I loved having that connection with her but I also was getting tired of feeling like a feeding machine. After 2 years I decided I was done, and although sometimes I still miss that special time I am also relieved to be done.

My goal was always to nurse her for 2 years. So I am pretty proud of myself for nursing her that long. I know some people choose to only nurse for 6 months-a year and that is totally a personal choice. Heck some people choose not to breast-feed at all or can't. To each their own, whatever works for you and your little one!

The first few times I breast fed were pretty easy, even though Paislee was technically premature and had such a small mouth she latched on really well right away. Once we got home that all changed, it seemed like she had forgot how to latch and when she did finally latch on I felt like she wasn't getting enough. Since she was barely 5 pounds when we brought her home I was pretty paranoid about her weight and making sure she was getting enough to eat. I started giving her  a bottle of milk that I had pumped to try and keep track of how much she ate. Once I was satisfied with her drinking enough I would nurse her for a little while. This is when it became excruciatingly painful.

Around the 2 week mark breast-feeding turned into torture for me. She was finally latching on perfectly and just when I thought I got the hang of it the pain started. I got mastitis twice the first month. It was horrible, Im guessing this was caused

by her not nursing very good and then all the sudden nursing and drinking way more then she used to so my boobs were trying to produce enough to keep her satisfied. On top of having mastitis I go blisters on my nipples. Im sure you can imagine how painful it is to have a baby sucking on raw, blistered nipples. I cried every time I nursed her and even thought about giving up, but somehow I pushed through the pain and prayed for God to give me strength to do what I thought was best for my baby.
Luckily after 2 weeks the pain went away completely and I started to enjoy nursing. She wasn't given a bottle again for months because I wanted to exclusively breast-feed and that worked out well for us.

From month 2 to about 16 months I really enjoyed nursing, it was such a special bonding time for us and plus I loved all the cuddles. Then the biting stage happened. I tried several different things to get her to stop but she did it no matter what I tried. I contemplated stopping at that point, and its like she sensed I was about to give up because she all the sudden stopped biting my during nursing sessions!

Fast Foreword to a week before her 2nd birthday. It kinda just hit me randomly one day that I was done and was tired of having a toddler attached to my boob constantly so I quit cold turkey. She was not a fan of this and was definitely not ready to wean but at that point I had reached my goal of nursing her for 2 years and knew it was time. It took her about 2 weeks to stop asking and then one day she just got over it and moved on.

Its been 2 months since I stopped nursing and some days I do miss it, like the days she doesn't want any cuddles or when she is really upset but for the most part I am relieved. Although in December I will be nursing another baby:)

My breast feeding journey was a special one and I will always cherish those moments Paislee and I shared! I encourage anyone who is having a rough time nursing to push through it, I promise you it is so worth it. If you need any help with nursing there are tons of awesome resources and support groups out there!

Its been nice to have a little break between babies before I turn into a feeding machine again:)

I have had so many people ask me how I like my Bugaboo Stroller, so I decided to do a review!
I have a 2011 Bugaboo Cameleon stroller that I received from a friend when Paislee was about 14 months old. She is now 26 months old so I think I have been using it long enough to be able to give an honest thorough review.


 I have a few favorite features when it comes to this stroller, I cant really narrow it down to just 1! One of the features I love is the Bugaboo seat. It can face forward and can also face the parent, my daughter only wanted to face me for the first couple of months and having a happy baby makes walks so much more enjoyable. The seat has so many recline options, I can have her sitting up all the way or laying down flat. This comes in handy when we are on a walk and she falls asleep. 

The next thing I love about this stroller is the huge storage basket. I can fit our huge diaper bag, a coat and a blanket underneath and still have extra room. The storage bag also has a drawstring so if it is packed full you can pull the drawstring tight so you don't have to worry about  anything falling out while walking around. 
The extendable handle is awesome! My husband is 6'5 so this makes it easy for him to push the stroller without having to bend over and make it uncomfortable for him. 

The wheels on this stroller are great and make any terrain easy to tackle. Even though when I was given this stroller one of the wheels were bent so that made it a little hard to push at times. 

The sun canopy extends a lot further then any other stroller I have seen or owned, and since I live in Nevada that is a very great thing to have, I can extend it all the way and my daughter is shaded completley. The Sun canopy is also removable, which has come in handy as my daughter has gotten taller! There are tons of fun color options for the Sun Canopy as well. 

The style and design of a stroller are very important to me, I will push it around in all different social settings and it is nice to have a stroller that catches someone's eye. I have gotten so many compliments while out and about with the Bugaboo and it always makes me smile. This stroller is so chic and versatile. You can push this wearing tennis shoes or high heels. 

The only thing I don't %100 love about this stroller is that you have to take off the seat to fold it and store it, but in the large scheme of things this really isn't a huge deal.

I have enjoyed this stroller so much and it has made walks and being out and about fun and easy. It has met all my needs as far as a stroller goes. 
To check out the new Bugaboo strollers and products visit the Bugaboo website!

If you have any further questions about this stroller feel free to email me or comment and I will try to answer any questions you have. 




I am not sponsored or affiliated with Bugaboo, all opinions are my own.