I have been attempting to write this post for a few days, but its not an easy subject and it is a topic I don't really like talking about. Heck most days I don't even want to admit I struggle with depression. I would love to be able to say I have never dealt with it and feel perfectly happy every day. But unfortunately that is not my reality. Writing this post may cause some people to see me as weak or selfish. Go ahead and think that, because I fell that way about myself some days.

This is a serious post and I get very personal. If you are a judgmental person then please don't read any further.

I could probably write a chapter book about this but since this is just a blog post I will try to keep it short. 

Since I was about 15 years old I have been struggling with depression and anxiety. I didn't know it for years, I thought the way I felt was normal. I was so used to feeling a certain way that I just assumed everyone else was the same. Until I saw a therapist. I wasn't diagnosed till around 17. From ages 17-19 were probably some of my roughest years. I was struggling with my depression and anxiety and wasn't sure how to deal with it. I didn't understand why I always felt so sad even when I felt like I should be happy.

When I first got married Nate had to learn how to deal with my bad days. It was easier to deal with always having him around. I felt so bad for him that he had to deal with a wife who was so sad sometimes, for no reason.

A lot of the time he will ask me "what's wrong" and I will tell him I don't know. I'm sure he thinks I'm lying because I'm clearly upset but it's the truth. Sometimes I feel down for what I feel is absolutely no reason at all. I can't explain it. Only people who have suffered or who are currently suffering from depression will understand.

As you can imagine my depression was at its worst after Nate and I lost our first baby. Every day was a struggle. I am so lucky I had Nate to lean on during this time.

When I had Paislee my anxiety was at an all time high. Not just new mom anxiety. I would burst into tears if I even thought about someone else holding her, I'm embarrassed to admit that sometimes I would even get extremely anxious over Nate holding her. He is so tall that I would worry about him dropping her from that height. When someone came over to visit her I wanted to insist they bathe in hand sanitizer before coming within a foot of her. It took me over a year to be ok with people holding her. I would lay awake most nights watching her sleep scared that if I looked away she would stop breathing. Eventually I got a little better and around 18 months I was able to leave her for a date night for the first time since she had been born. 

A lot of the times I get mad at myself for being depressed. What possible reason do I have to feel this way?! I am so truly blessed. I have to keep reminding myself that depression isn't a choice, unfortunately it just happens to some people.  It sucks.

Some days are worse then other, some days I cry a lot because I feel so down and it frustrates me. Some days I want to hide in my room under the covers all day. Some days I feel emotionally and physically numb. 

But the days that are my favorite are when I feel perfectly ok. There are actually weeks that go by where I am completely happy and content. This has been happening more and more over the years. 

Depression is something I may always have to deal with and that is very frustrating to me. I didn't chose for this. I have learned how to deal with it better though.
Luckily my depression does not effect my parenting. Paislee will always come first no matter how I feel that day.

I'm sure people are wondering why I am not on medication to help with my depression. That is a good question.
Most medication for depression is not safe while pregnant or breastfeeding. Some doctors have told me there are medications safe to take while breastfeeding but I just don't feel right about that. I feel like whatever I take passes to the baby and even if a doctor claims it's ok, I still don't want to be transferring narcotics to my baby. That can't be healthy.

I have had a few people tell me that depression is just a state of mind and you can work hard to change it. I kinda wanna smack those people. Depression is a very real struggle and if I could just think it away I would have done that a long time ago.

If you are struggling with depression right now I am sorry. It is horrible and confusing. I hope that reading some of my story will help you a little, to know that someone else is dealing with the same thing.